the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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