Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
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You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize