My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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