I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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