im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
