I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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