headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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