Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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