Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
