I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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