I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
