I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
