I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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