can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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