New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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