apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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