They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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