duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
