he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
