My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
