I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
