he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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