Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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