I want to make a zoo with you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
