My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
