I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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