you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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