I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
