plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
