Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
