I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
