Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
