Do you still have your period?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
