Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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