Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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