I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
