i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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