guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
