Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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