So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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