based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
