Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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