A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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