i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i came on her dog
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
