i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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