No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
