Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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