I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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