I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
