that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I am naked and annoyed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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