Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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