my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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