Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
