Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
